LESBIANS!
by burnt-toast11
Summary: Lesbian is a term thrown around a lot these days. Sometimes its an insult, othertimes its a truth and even less times, its a mystery. But most of the time, its really funny. T cos' Im cool like that.


You might be asking yourself...Why?

Why did this deliciously handsome and unbelievably strong manly author of chivalry write such a story?

Its not because I want to go against the crowd.

Its just cos' Im different. And deliciously handsome. Like brownies with a touch of powder sugar, or a jam donut, or a refreshing lemonade squeezed from the lemony bosom of mother nature herself...I dont know, I'm really hungry right now

**EDIT: Dear everyone who read this story but didnt tell me about the error in the second portion. _I hate you_. It said T. when it was meant to say T.S Elliot. Now it does. Sheesh.**

* * *

Another day._ They must've been getting longer..._

"Hey Sue Ellen!"

She looked back. Arthur was chasing after her._ There was once a time where she'd have given anything for that._

"Yes Arthur?"

"I was just wondering, me and the guys were gonna' fix up the treehouse tomorrow afternoon. Wanna' help out?"

How odd. Fixing a treehouse would usually be a masculine thing. Y'know. A 'mans' job. But cool, she'd spent the funnest part of her primary schooling in that treehouse. And since she'd missed the opportunity to rebuild it the time it fell down, the chance to fix it was like the opportunity to rub your hero's feet..._Well, maybe not that, but you get the idea._  
But Sue Ellen was cautious. Junior high was nearing its end, and the males were now focused on finding a girlfriend to carry into senior year. Maybe it was their thing or something, but she wasnt about to become someone's armcandy. _She'd sooner saw off her own boobs...Well...hmmmm._

"Is it really falling apart?"

"No, but we dont want it to fall out of the tree"

He seemed honest. He hadnt panicked to come up with an answer.

"Sure, I'll be there"

"Great! Seeya later!"

He ran off, probably to find someone else to join. Maybe he was trying to get the old gang back together. Not that they'd split up, but they hardly did things as a group anymore. Sue Ellen hadnt even spoken to Binky or Brain for a week or two. Ever since they matured, she preferred to hang around Fern. Besides her, Buster always made her laugh and Francine just seemed to stay her friend. But maybe that was just her. _Meh._

"Hey Sue"

She guessed before she looked. Francine.

"Hi Francine"

"Hows Fern?"

"...What?"

"Fern...y'know, quiet, purple, poems"

"Um...I wouldnt know...why?"

"Oh, well I just thought you would"

She sounded surprised. Surprised that she didnt know Fern's disposition.  
_What the funzies?_

An awkward silence ensued.

"Why?"

"I just thought you did!"

Her voice rose. Time to back down. Francine had a fiery temper, and it only seemed to compound with age.

She shook her head "Right"

* * *

"Are you going to help Arthur with the treehouse?"

"Arthur's fixing the treehouse?" Fern looked up from her T. S Elliot compilation "Is that safe?"

"Thats what I thought, but y'know, some kid might climb up and end up killing himself"

"No no, I mean Arthur couldnt stack jenga without killing someone"

_Hehe..._  
"Well, Binky and Brain will be there..."

"Will George?"

"...I...dunno, I didnt ask"

Fern raised her book again "George is the only one I'd trust to put iron on timber, let alone pick up a two-by-four"

Sue Ellen sat back in the seat. The library was quiet, but their talking wasnt disturbing anyone and thus continued.

"We rebuilt it in third grade y'know"

"Yeah, and look at it now...Besides, everyone's parents helped out with that"

"Well, we made a dog house back in fourth grade...So we cant be that bad"

"Third grade...And the dog house collapsed two years ago"

_How the hell did she remember all this crap?_

"Well...I dunno..." She was running out of replies. Time to shift the topic "Werent you invited?"

"Nope"

"What? Thats stupid"

"I think its because they want people who could help out"

She scoffed at such a clear cut self-put down "Fern, just because you read poetry doesnt mean you dont know to use a hammer"

"Thats...not what I mean..."

"Huh?"

Fern put down her book. This was about to get serious. She took a deep breath in.

"Sue Ellen...Are you a lesbian?"

She smiled. _Very funny_.

...

Fern wasnt laughing.

...

It wasnt a joke. The smile dropped.

...

**_"WHAT?"_**

"Are you?"

"NO" Sue Ellen wasnt angry, but the initial threat that Fern thought she was gay...Well that scared her. Now she was panicking.

"Sorry, stupid question. Nevermind" Fern raised T.S. Elliot again. Time to delve back into Prufrock.

"Where'd you get the idea?"

"Oh, y'know...Around"

_Muffy._

"Was it Muffy?"

"No...Well sort of"

Sue Ellen banged her fist on the desk. _She'd **kill** that cockroach._

"But she heard it from someone else apparently" Fern closed her book. There was no point in reading at a time like this.

Sue Ellen leaned over the table.  
"Who then?"

Fern scratched her ear. Something inside was telling her that if she taddled, someone would lose an eye. And an ear. And an arm. In fact, she wouldnt bet on ever seeing that person again in any less then thirty five pieces.

"WHO?"

Still nothing. Sue Ellen leant over the table. Fern was her friend, but she wouldnt stand in the way of her finding out what she needed to know.

"Give me a name!" She closed in "A NAME! I WANT THEIR NAME!"

"Shh!" Miss Turner had heard the interrogation from her desk. Sue Ellen sheepishly sank back into her seat, but still shot daggers at Fern.  
She caved.

"Fine, it was Arthur"

"ARTHUR?" Seriously, Arthur? Who saw that coming..._Certainly not you, dear reader._

"I dont know. Ask him" Fern buried herself in her book. The interrogation left her drained, and she needed to avoid anymore questions.

"Of course...Back in the third grade I use to have a crush on him. He must have found out somehow...My diary! When I lost it here, he must've read it! And now that I dont..." Her fist crumpled up again, crushing the imaginary skull of that Aardvark to a mushy pulp worthy of any proud oatmeal. "And now he's trying to get back at me..."

Fern gave up reading again and tried to fan away the approaching monsoon "C'mon, I dont think he intentionally started a rumour you were gay"

"Why not? It's simple, its hard to disprove. I'm sure he makes fun of the fact that I wear normal shorts instead of those friggin high cut shorts too...And the treehouse thing..." Perhaps Arthur had gotten so deep into the lie that he himself had started to believe it. He must've thought that because she was a 'lesbian' she was good at manual labour of all kind. Bigoted retard.

"It's not like being gay is a disease or something"

Damn, Fern played the _'What are you, a homophobe?' _card.

"Thats not the point. The point is that he shouldnt be making up stuff like that"

"Pffft" In a fit of arrogant dissaproval, Fern returned to her book once again. Sue Ellen decided to shift some of the heat.

"Y'know, people are thinking your gay too"

The book was slammed down.

_**"WHAT?"**_

"SHH!" Miss Turner once again had to quiet the pair down, for fear of destroying the gold that was silence.

"Francine asked me how you were...In 'that' kind of way"

No matter how mad you got Fern, she wasnt a fighter. She wasnt a lover though. She was Fern. No matter what you did, she was Fern. If Francine was pranked, she got you back. If Muffy was offended, she blotted you out. If Sue Ellen got angry, she retaliated. If Fern got mad...

"Destroy him"

She got even.

* * *

"Hey Arthur, you hear the one about the peanut butter?"

"Not one of these jokes again Buster..."

"C'mon, it'll be funny!"

"Fine. No I didnt"

"I better not tell you. You might, spread it!"

...Christ almighty that was lame.

"Lame"

As Buster struggled to think of a new joke, neither of them saw Sue Ellen swiftly coming up from behind.

_A quick little background history..._  
Sue Ellen had arrived usual place, usual time for a usual school day. Today, she planned on confronting Arthur in an intimidating female manner (Y'know, men arnt allowed to hit back. And since Arthur was a confrontational coward usually, it would be nice and easy). She'd greeted Fern, and talked to her about what movie they should see on the weekend, and then to George about his untied shoe. But none of this matters. It was Jenna's question that drove Sue Ellen to her snapping point.

_'Sue Ellen, I'm sorry if this is rude, but...How do you know if your gay?'_

You could've heard the snap across the state. While she retained her civility long enough to rememdy the incorrect assumption, and then confirm the source for her curiosity, as soon as Jenna had finished her sentence she was sprinting down the hall.

_Anyway's, back to the story..._  
Put simply, if you have ever seen a 200kg lioness tackle a 29kg Gazelle then you would have an idea of exactly what it looked like when Sue Ellen- in front of every other student and narrowly avoiding sending Buster head first into cold dirt- coathangered Arthur into the ground. She took up a position on his chest and grabbed the scruff of his collar.

"LESBIAN?" She shouted at him. His glasses steaming up from the other side only added to the hilarity of the 3rd-person situation.

"WHAT THE HELL GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?" By now, everyone within...well, everyone had circled around. No one cheered on a fight, as there was no resistance from Arthur. The majority of the male crowd felt sorry for him. The other proportion found this pretty funny. Arthur tried to stutter out a word, but...Nothing.

"YOU SPITEFUL JERK! IS THIS JUST BECAUSE I STOPPED WANTING TO BONE YOU IN FOURTH GRADE?" Sue Ellen had a mighty fine way with words... "WHAT DID YOU TELL MUFFY?"

Arthur, sucking up all of his courage, finally responded "I told her I thought it was weird you and Fern went to see Pride and Prejudice last week!"

"A ROMANCE MOVIE? YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE WE WATCHED A ROMANCE MOVIE THAT WE'RE GAY? THATS THE STUPIDEST FU-" She stopped midsentence, detecting an error "We didnt watch Pride and Prejudice, we watched Fear and Loathing"

_Once again, some history..._  
Fern, being the classical literature loving young woman she was, decided to begin reading some of the more mature novels. Doria (Her mother) had recommended Fear and Loathing in Las vegas, a classic piece of literature revolving around drugs, Las Vegas and free-lance reporting. A marvel of writing. Naturally, the movie had to follow and Sue Ellen was invited to watch. Francine had declined due to previously made engagements with Muffy, but still indicated her interest in regularly attending the movies with the other two.

"That's a good movie" Buster added. And he was correct.

"It is, have you read the book?" Before Buster could say a word, Fern answered her own question "Of course you havent"  
Buster felt flattered. Finally, people were starting to understand him.

Sue Ellen felt bad. She may have acted a bit harshly. She released Arthur's collar and helped him up. She rubbed the back of her neck.  
"My fault then...sorry about the whole tackle thing"

"It's...fine. I shouldnt have assumed so much"

"After all, assuming makes an a-"

"Shut up Buster"

_**(There's a moral somewhere in that story y'know)**_

* * *

She was late. _That was nothing like her..._  
Admittedly, a commercial street was not the most eloquent place for a meeting but regardless that was no reason for tardiness.

The occasional engine rumbling past raised her hopes that she was approaching...But still nothing.

"Hey Francine"

She yelped out as Fern nearly sent her galloping away.

"Hey, Fern" She said inbetween gasps.

"Are you okay? You seem high strung"

"I'm fine, just fine"

Fern was too smart. She picked up on her lies, but decided not to force her way in lest she awaken the sleeping fire-breathing giant that was Francine's temper.  
"What are you waiting for?"

"Who says I'm waiting for someone?" Francine responded, inadvertedly revealing a tad too much.

"Well, you've been standing here for the past half-hour, all the shops are open, and you keep looking down both ends of the road" Fern crossed her arms. She could be stubborn.

"I'm waiting for Muffy to come pick me up"

Fern looked around. No where near the sugar bowl, lots of shops she'd rarely visited. Hardware, china, videogames, grocery, and that chinese store on the corner over there. How odd. It seemed out of the way and almost devoid of other children. Mainly working adults and the occasional child w/ parent. How..._clandestine. _She needed to know more, but she lacked the questioning skills that Sue Ellen had. Time to snoop.

"Okay, well I've got to get going"

"Seeya" Francine said, rather dismissively. Fern took it as encouragement.

Although she began walking down the street, when she noticed Francine's head turned down the otherside of the road she ducked into the closest alley and began the trek in. Luckily, this commercial district had a long and well lit system of alleyways. Her confidence remained unhindered as she skulked past a pair of off-duty truck drivers, who paid her only minor attention.  
She counted the shops down and found the alley that led directly behind the bargain store Fracine had been in front of originally. As if on call, as she reached her position at the end of the alley, Muffy's limo pulled up on the curb. At times like this, she thanked genetics for her dog ears ("_...These babies arnt just for good looks you know_" her father always said)

"Sorry about being late, Bailey had to stop for gas"

"You could've phoned ahead"

"I know, I'm sorry darling"

...No, Muffy called Fern darling once or twice. She just had that sort of vernacular.

"Well..." She struggled to hear the next words, and rightly so. They didnt sound like Francine at all "...You know how much I worry Muffy"

No...No, no, no. The puzzle pieces fell into place but Fern didnt like the picture it made.

The car door shut.

No way.

As the limo slowly pulled away, Fern wrenched her head around to see them pass by. And as if by freak coincedence, a light bounced from the shop window into Muffy's limo against the tinted windows. A backdrop was created.  
The last thing Fern saw in that limo was what resembled two girls, embracing their love.

**_"LESBIANS?"_**

* * *

OH S-S-S- S-S-S-**_SNAP!_**

Man, there's a ton of Call of Duty references in my stories. Probably cos' its a decent game. Whatever. If you can spot it, then I love you. In a non-sexual way, because there's a strong possibility that would be pedophilia, which is frowned upon in a bunch of societies. Too many to count. Except' for ancient Greece (**_The More You Know!_**).

Lol, bone.  
And yes, Doria is her name. I checked it. Somehow. And man, is Fern a poodle or a golden retriever. Both seem legit...

_**The reason for the creation of this story. Initially it this part was going to be at the top but I felt it would reveal the:**_

_I dont care if you think I'm a homophobe, mainly because I know Im not. So think what you like._

_Why is Sue Ellen a lesbian is so many different stories? Y'know? And Fern too__. __If you ask me, Francine and Muffy seem like bigger candidates as lesbians (Well, more so then Fern and Sue Ellen). __I digress. These kids are bloody 8 years old in Arthur and it really is impossible to determine which one's will be gay so I cant debate much. That thought process got me to thinkin, which got me to writin, which then got me bored and I stopped writing this story for like...six months? Something like that. Then the thought process got provoked again, and here we are._


End file.
